August 24: "Arachnids in the UK"

Promotional photo for "Arachnids in the UK" (from 11 questions (and
some answers) we have after Doctor Who: Arachnids in the UK) ©BBC

Back to the present with "Arachnids in the UK", with the Doctor finally getting her friends back home, half an hour after they left. But, demonstrating that the thirteenth Doctor is different from some of her predecessors, she's hanging around, not really ready to say goodbye yet -- this doesn't seem to be a Doctor who wants to be alone. And so Yaz invites everyone around for tea, and we get some insight into how Yaz's family is: her father Hakim is well-meaning but a bit conspiracy-theory-minded, while her sister Sonya seems to be constantly taking shots at her sister. And we get some fun moments of the Doctor rambling about sofas as an attempt at small talk ("I thought I was doing quite well. ... Maybe I'm nervous. Or just socially awkward. I'm still figuring myself out") while the Khans behave as a typical family. "I'm going to make pakora," Hakim announces, pleased that Yaz has brought guests over. "Dad, don't," Yaz replies. "He's terrible at pakora," she warns the others. And then Yaz goes to pick up her mother Najia, while the Doctor sees that the neighbor is holding a package for the Khans. "Do you want me to go get it while you make your terrible pakora?" the Doctor asks brightly.

But yes, "Arachnids in the UK" (which is a pretty lame title, by the way²⁸⁵) is all about spiders, grown to great big sizes. They also make them look pretty realistic; we're a long way from Planet of the Spiders and the order to make them deliberately unconvincing. Consequently, this is an episode likely to elicit some feelings of dread from parts of the audience. (I personally don't mind spiders so much as I mind insects and similar things that are too big, so this episode definitely gave me the creepy-crawlies a few times.) Because there are a lot of giant spiders in this episode. But they're not malevolent or alien or anything like that. Instead, this is a tale warning against pollution and lax standards, with improper disposal of special "make spiders live longer and thus get bigger" enzymes leading to the problems in the episode.

The root of the problem is American billionaire businessman Jack Robertson, who's built a hotel on a disused coal mine that his companies have been dumping garbage into. Chris Noth plays Robertson like an unfeeling, unpleasant capitalist, willing to pass the buck when it suits his needs and take the glory when he can. So rather like a competent version of Donald Trump then (or, perhaps more accurately, the public's general conception of Donald Trump before he fully revealed himself to be an incoherent, raging egomaniac) -- which is why it's a little odd how Robertson is framed as being a lifelong enemy of Trump, planning to run for President in 2020. Is Robertson meant to be a Democrat then? Is he going to run as an independent candidate? Or is he trying to replace Trump as the Republican candidate? But in any event, you can tell that Noth is having fun playing Robertson as uncaring and unredeemable, being both overconfident and cowardly. And the script takes great joy in deflating Robertson through the Doctor: "Sorry, I don't know who you are," the Doctor says. "Oh, really?" Robertson sneers. "'Cos you must be the only person on the planet that doesn't." "Are you Ed Sheeran?" the Doctor asks. "Is he Ed Sheeran? Everyone talks about Ed Sheeran round about now, don't they?" "I am not Ed Sheeran," Robertson says indignantly. "I am Jack Robertson and this is my hotel. Just one hotel in an incredibly successful chain of hotels, which is just one small part of my business portfolio, as featured in Fortune Global 500. Does that ring a bell?" "Should I look impressed right now?" asks the Doctor, more bemused than anything. "Is that impressive?"

The Doctor also gets some other great lines, such as, in an important tone, "I eat danger for breakfast," followed, less importantly, with "I don't, I prefer cereal. Or croissants. Or those little fried Portuguese... Never mind, it's not important." Or, a couple moments later, after Robertson tells her she's trying to enter a restricted area: "Dude, I've all the authorisation I ever need. (to Yaz) I call people 'dude' now." It's good fun, and Whittaker does a fabulous job with delivering the lines in a way that makes them part of her character, rather than awkward or clunky.

The other regulars get some character-building of their own; Graham's palpable sadness at being back in his house, now that Grace is gone, is gorgeously played, while Ryan gets to deal with a letter from his absent father, apologizing for not being around while offering Ryan a home, much to Ryan's irritation: "Says that I can live with him now, being that he's my proper family. ... I don't like that he put that. 'Proper family.' He's not proper." It's a small moment, but it does give some insight into Ryan, as well as hinting at the developing closeness between Ryan and Graham. Oh, and thanks to Ryan and this episode I learned about the music genre called grime! (It's a kind of club music with rapping mixed in, although this description doesn't quite capture what it's like.)

The spiders respond to the vibrations. ("Arachnids in the UK") ©BBC

But yeah, the main attraction is the giant spiders, and they're definitely creepy, with the CG effects being very good indeed. And once again we get some educational content, such as how spiders "smell" with their feet, or in the scene between the Doctor and spider researcher Dr Jade McIntyre, describing how spiders keep growing until they die, or how there are 21 quadrillion spiders on Earth. But this all means that we don't really have an enemy here; the spiders are just trying to live, same as ever. It's not their fault they got so big. Robertson is the closest thing to a villain, and even he manages to be a bit sympathetic at times (due more to Noth's performance than the scripting, it must be said). But the ending feels a bit off; it's not clear why luring the spiders into a room to starve to death is somehow more humane than finding a way to put them down, or why Robertson shooting the enormous mother spider is somehow worse than letting it suffocate to death. (Although that one might be more due to intent; Robertson shoots the mother without knowing that it's dying, and while he frames it after the fact as a mercy killing that wasn't the reason he shot it.) It's like Chibnall couldn't quite come up with a way to deal with the spider problem, and he just hoped that no one would notice that his solution doesn't really work as intended. What's more, once the spiders are dead that's it; we don't see any indication that Robertson is going to take responsibility for anything, or that any consequences will result from this. We don't even know if they're going to actually clean up the garbage dump under the hotel that caused the problems in the first place.

So there are definitely some good moments in this, and it's suitably unpleasant to watch in the ways they intended, but it does feel a bit unfinished. The character moments are therefore the best things about this story; the plot itself, with its unresolved aspects, feels less outstanding and more just competent. It's not really bad, but it's not that exciting a storyline either. "Arachnids in the UK" is thus a reasonable story that sometimes falls flat. Not terrible, but not spectacular either.

But at least they handle the "we've decided to come with you" bit at the end really well. "Look at you," the Doctor says happily. "My fam. No, still doesn't quite work. Team TARDIS? ... Welcome aboard. Properly."







²⁸⁵ And what's up with the rock puns for episode names this season? "The Woman Who Fell to Earth", "Arachnids in the UK"... Surprised they didn't give "Kerblam!" the title "Rock the Warehouse".